I Murdered Grimace

“Screw Bin Laden. The real terrorist is before you, and his name is Grimace…”

As I drove home from work on Saturday morning I glanced as I always do at the McDonald’s on Olden Ave. right before the street I turn down to go to my house. For some reason on Saturday I started thinking about McDonald’s in a way I never had before. I went on a trip down memory lane and recalled many things about McDonald’s through out my life…

Most of my McDonald’s memories come from good ole’ Silverton McDonalds. You see I used to live in Stonehedge, which is NOT Silverton (Thanks Jay Eagan), but is very close to Silverton McDonald’s. To this day if I dare to ever go to McDonald’s it is to that one. Silverton McDonald’s just has something special about it for me. I remember when I had my 3rd or 4th birthday there. I had a bunch of kids there at the party: Lindsay from across the street, Shaun McHuge my other across the street neighbor, and a few other kids. I recall sitting in the party room where they had the big French Fry tree. I wonder if its still there. You see when you had your birthday they would put you in the French Fry room tree and it would talk to you. Its nose was a speaker and had many holes in the nostril area for the sound to come out. Then some guy would hide in the corner with a microphone and talk to you and of course being the young kids we were, we actually though the tree was talking to us. Then of course during this time we would stick the greasy greasy french fries up the nose of the french fry tree. I recently had a talk with my Uncle Mike about the old McDonald’s french fries. Does anyone else remember how they were when we were kids? They were super greasy. They wouldn’t even stand up straight. Yet they were so amazingly tasty. I remember ALWAYS eating all of my fries when I was a kid. Now a days you’d have to offer me money to eat an entire batch of McDonald’s french fries. I think they’re the worst things ever. Today I rarely eat at McDonald’s due to my love for the higher quality Wendy’s. I do not hate McDonald’s but I do realize they are lower in quality. To me McDonald’s will always be king of the breakfast and yes there is something magical about a McDonald’s cheeseburger. (I guess thats why you have to shit after you eat one in like 30 seconds) However one thing about McDonald’s never really made sense to me. You see we all remember the McDonaldland Characters, Ronald McDonald, Birdie the Bird, Hamburgler, Mayor McCheese, The Police Cheeseburger guy, there was that Pirate looking guy, the Fry Guys, the talking Milk Shakes, and of course the entire reason for today’s post Grimace

First of all before we even get into my issues with Grimace lets take another trip down memory lane. You see after my birthday party was over at Silverton McDonald’s the manager gave me, because it was my birthday, this inflatable Gimace doll I guess you could call it. He stood about two to two and half feet tall and could easily be inflated by my little 4 year old lungs. It was a cool gift from McDonald’s but something wasn’t right with Grimace. Even back then I had this distrust of him and his ways. He ended up living with me at my house for a while but then one night something changed…

I was in my kitchen playing on the floor with some cars and Grimace was there chillin as he always did. All of a sudden from one of the counter tops above a ball point pen rolled onto the floor. I picked it up and put it behind my ear and continued to play. Then all of a sudden as I was playing and I looked at Grimace. He started back at me with that freakin stoner grin of his. I stared back at him. He stared back at me. Then my dog, Daisy, came running through the kitchen and knocked Grimace on his back. At this point I took the pen from behind my ear, uncapped it, let out a yell, and STABBED GRIMACE RIGHT IN THE HEART!

As he deflated on my kitchen floor my mom yelled, “WHAT DID YOU DO TO GRIMACE?!” I was not sad about the death of Grimace. Was I happy? I don’t think I was happy. But I think I did what had to be done. Because Grimace isn’t normal…

He’s a fucking purple blob, with a stoner smile, stoner eyes, short stubby little T-Rex arms, and I remember he had a low pitched goofy voice. First off he’s a man and he’s PURPLE?! Secondly his name is GRIMACE. Does anyone realize what the word Grimace means?

grim?ace (grms, gr-ms) n.
A sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust.

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING MCDONALD’S?! A character created for children to love and enjoy yet his name is associated with words like PAIN, CONTEMPT, AND DISGUST! What the shit is that??? You want to know why my generation loves violence, cursing, and other horrible things? RIGHT THERE MOTHER FUCKER, its all because of GRIMACE! We used to have to see him dance on the TV and help Ronald McDonald get those cheeseburgers back from the Hamburgler all the time. The whole time he was subliminally programming our minds to love PAIN, CONTEMPT, and DISGUST! Not to mention he does kind of look Ghost like…

So Grimace when I stabbed you at the age of four on my kitchen floor it was not because I hate you and what you’ve done. It was a stab at your creator and the name he gave you. You see Father McDonald made you into the horrible monstrosity that you are and today’s McDonald’s corporation realizes this. This is why you never see Grimace on television anymore. He’s been reduced to making guest appearances on the super super super small drink cup they give to senior citizens when they want free water at McDonalds. Where quite frankly he belongs until everyone has forgotten about him. It is only then when the pestilence of Grimace will be lifted off of me and my generation and only then will we be able to live normal ordinary lives. So Grimace I say one last thing to you, I killed you once with my own hands at the age of 4, just imagine what I can do to you now that I’m 21…

Till next time…”It’s a good time for the great taste at McDonald’s!”